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To some people, being alone, is a constant. Being made to feel a lone, or people actually up and walking off from your life. Sadly, that can become quite the norm, and so, it makes a person rather comfortable with themselves without another. Sometimes we may yearn for maybe the touch and friendship, or conversations that we may have had and miss. We swallow those wants and tread on. We value those we meet, we try to learn them the best we can because we want to enjoy every experience with them. We absolutely give worth to the interactions and company that we could have. We loathe being alone, but we won't trust easily, and won't give ourselves to people the way we once had, due to knowing that ending up hurt is always a possibility, for any reason. Giving chances when hurt doesn't come easy, but once a person crosses a threshold of trust, they almost get unlimited opportunities to hurt us over and over, until we learn and never will deal with that ever again. Because we, ultimately, aren't afraid to be alone, no matter how much we wish we were not. We aren't looking for a relationship, we just are. We don't trust and we hate being betrayed. We welcome new people, but our jaded views keep them at arms length until they prove they are worthy of being allowed closer. We VALUE people, and shelving people is a disgusting trend people have grown to accustomed to doing. Even with just friendship, we are careful and watch and read every action of those we are learning, because we want what helps build us up, not what takes us apart piece by piece. We absolutely believe in love more than you'll know, and we don't fear it like some may believe. We just aren't as cavalier at the thought as others. People MEAN something to us, and will also do so. So we keep to ourselves, even though others may keep telling us to find someone, get a man or woman and enjoy life. We enjoy life just fine without the constant worry of being hurt, betrayed or cheated on, but thanks for your concern. Lol. Should someone come along, fantastic, if not, also fantastic. Learning a person takes effort, something so very few have an interest in anymore, and that's fine. Just stop expecting the same from those of us that are used to being alone.
We place so much more weight into the long conversations had about nothing or everything, than the prospect of getting laid often enough to not bitch about it like others do. Funny, ridiculous and painful conversations teach us so much about a person, and lets us know just how much that person deserves more of us given to them. And when we gives ourselves to that person, it's not something we take lightly at all. We absolutely do not ever want to hurt another, in any way, That's why we want to learn another so much, to take care in our interactions with them. I say we because I absolutely am like this, and one thing I can say about those of us that like our safe loneliness, is that we absolutely are not miserable. In fact we are very much at ease or content with ourselves as we deal with more important things in our lives. That state of mind calls for respect, because we hold that much for everyone else. We'll deal with people as they come. And that certainly isn't a bland way to live life because people due to some strange power in the universe, are attracted to us. Gravitate to us. People tend to be selfish and abusive, hence our taking care of ourselves before others. So, welcome! Come in, tread gently into our lives. Take a seat, speak a while... and teach us who you are. We won't waste your time, I promise.
~~
Psychologist: What is the role of the father?
"The father, as the natural chief and protector of the family, plays an important role."
Devin Foley | November 20, 2017
Psychologist: What is the role of the father?
Study after study shows the tremendously negative impact of not having a father present during childhood. While the damage is especially evident with boys, girls also suffer the consequences -- hence the unfortunate phrase, “She has daddy issues.”
Despite the significant evidence that biological fathers are critical to healthy childhood development, our culture doesn't seem to value fathers. Some would argue that the popular culture actually denigrates fathers, pointing for example to how fathers are often portrayed in TV shows and ads as idiots and buffoons.
Online, when Intellectual Takeout publishes articles that reinforce the importance of fathers, we often find significant pushback. Perhaps the most popular argument that we encounter is that, “A child only needs one loving adult.” We’ll also see arguments from single mothers who say that their children are doing just fine in school or that a single mom raising a child is a better situation than being in an abusive relationship.
Without a doubt, the topic is an emotional one and there are children who break the mold as well as single parent situations that are better than two parents staying together. The existence of those situations, though, doesn't disprove the findings of studies that show on average children doing worse than their peers if their fathers aren't around.
Personally, I was raised by a single mom, I know how hard she worked and sacrificed to give me a different life. Single moms who are doing the same naturally are defensive; if a father makes such a difference in a child’s life, then there is something that moms alone cannot ever provide their sons and daughters: their father. That would mean, too, that both a single mom raising a son and a divorced and remarried mom raising a son are unequal to a biological mother and father together raising a child in a traditional home environment. A lot of guilt can be felt by a parent for not giving a child the best opportunities in life.
Of course, there’s one other problem with highlighting studies that show the superiority of the biological father raising his child with the biological mother under one roof: mothers and fathers are unequal. Our culture very much wants to see no differences between men and women. Indeed, we do almost everything in our power to avoid seeing those differences. When a study comes along showing that the biological father is irreplaceable, that causes problems for the dominant orthodoxy.
But differences are important. Long ago, ancient philosophers argued that differences reveal “forms” of things and that the “form” of something reveals much about its purpose. There is the “form” of a person, but also the “form” of father and the separate “form” of mother. It was also true that there was a form of the tree, but also forms of different varieties of trees, such as oak or birch. You can see how this thinking led to the study of species and modern systems of classifications. Classifications, of course, are determined by not only what things have in common, but also by what they don’t have in common. A few species, the duck-billed platypus for instance, humorously cause all sorts of mayhem.
So, if there is a “form” of father with a logical role or purpose attached to it, what is it and why does it matter so much to the development of a child? For one perspective, we turn to the psychologist Joost Meerloo:
Psychological studies have shown us over and over again that the child’s attitude toward the parental authority, with all its subtle internal complications, plays a primary role in determining how he will handle his hostilities -- whether he will learn to cope with them or whether he will direct them toward destructive aims. As we said earlier, parents and family form almost the whole environment of the child during the first years of its life. They condition the foundations of his future character. And in the family it is the influence of the father that determines whether the child will stick to its strong natural ties with its mother, to its dependency needs and its needs for protection, or will step out of this maternal realm and will form new ties with new people.
The more experienced in the world I have become, the more I have noticed certain patterns that involve the father. For instance, quite often if a boy grows up in a family in which the mother is religious but the father is not, then the boy will likely scoff at religion. Boys often take the cues of their fathers to heart, much to the heartbreak of their mothers.
Meerloo continues:
The father is the first one who cuts into the essentially biological relation between mother and child. He is what the psychoanalyst calls the first transference figure, the first new prototype to whom the child can transfer its expectations of gratification, its feelings of relatedness, of satisfaction, of fear. This first new trial relationship with the father giant may become the conditioning prototype for every subsequent social relationship.
Here he writes on the form or role of a mother:
The child’s initial relationship with its mother is purely biological and symbiotic. The womb is replaced by the crib. The mother is the know-all and do-all. Psychoanalysis describes the child’s relationship with its mother as one of oral dependency because the helpless infant is completely dependent on the food, care, and warmth the mother provides. The little human being’s dependency need lasts longer than that of the other animals. It is this fact that makes man gregarious, dependent on cooperation with others.
Ah, but you might say that a baby is no longer dependent upon the mother because we now have baby formula as a substitute for breast milk. To this argument, we could get bogged down in discussions about whether or not baby formula is an equal substitute for breast milk, but we won’t. Instead, let us remember that just because baby formula has been available for fifty years or so, that doesn't mean the innate biological needs of the child have changed. Thousands upon tens of thousands of years of habit and biological wiring do not go away in fifty years.
As such, Meerloo turns again to the form and purpose of a father:
The father brings a third person, who has no part in this relationship of biological dependency, into the life of the child. When he cuts into the child’s relationship with its mother, he is cutting the psychological umbilical cord just as the doctor cuts the physical one when the infant is delivered. First, he gives the child the opportunity to transfer feelings and expectations to him; later, he brings the child more actively outside the maternal realm and teaches him more and more about social relationships.
More:
The specific role of the father as a transference prototype is not so simple as it seems to many fathers. Father is not merely a toy with whom the child can occasionally play. The child needs to identify with this giant who lives with him and with Mother; he wants to become familiar with the giant, he wants the giant to become part of his world. The child wants more than this -- he wants to be gratified by Father so that he can love Father as much as he does Mother.
Even domestic tranquility, especially the relationship between the mother and father, matters:
This transference of feelings can only take place, however, when the relationship between the parents themselves is tranquil. How can the child identify with and love his parents when they are in constant conflict with each other?
And on the danger of lacking a father:
When there is no father figure, or if the father is too weak or too busy or is denying and tyrannical toward the child, the result is that the child’s relationship with and dependence on the mother remains strong and lasts too long…
… A child brought up in such an emotionally defective atmosphere, searches continually for strong figures who may serve as a proxy for the normal relationships the would otherwise have had in life.
The form or purpose of a father summed up:
In the building up of man’s awareness of an independent self and the establishment of his ability to have easy, relaxed relationships with his fellow men, the father, as the natural chief and protector of the family, plays an important role. He cuts the cord. He may condition the later pattern of dependence and independence. His potential psychological dominance can become a blessing or a curse, for the child’s emotional attitude toward its father becomes the prototype for its attitudes toward future leaders and toward society itself.
When I come home from work, my youngest children almost always yell, “Dad!” and come charging at me with arms upraised. There is something in that moment that has always struck me as symbolic of all fathering. The door shields them from the brutalities of the world, insulating them in the nest of home. As their father, I am that which crosses back and forth, from the nest to the world and back again. The arms upraised, the love and trust captured in that moment is fascinating as the little child little is raised so high, trusting completely in the strength and love of the father.
We would be wise to ponder more deeply these seemingly every-day occurrences and their impact upon the psychology and well-being of children. Consider, too, the thoughts of Joost Meerloo no matter how much they clash with our society’s current thinking. If the father is the natural intermediary between the child and the world as a result of the biological differences between the mother and the father, then that is not a role to toss aside lightly.~~
Living the effects of that absence just by association, is brutal. Envisioning what it is like for those unfortunate to live with this personally, is just barely scraping the realities that exist with this torture.
Relating to these observations from professionals( or those significantly more knowledgeable in these fields than I), as if it were common knowledge, agreeing and understanding their every statement, simply due to real life experiences and not having studied the slightest bit into human psyche and child development myself, speaks unfathomable volumes as to its relevancy.
Not because they merely "prove my point for me" but due to the absolute disconnection of the observers and myself have. My stance being one rooted from purely emotional reactions and learned morals, theirs from study and observation. It kills me to see science support what seems to be the very fiber of my being, and it still get so radically swept aside as petty claims and capricious suppositions when the source is I.
That's what I say, people aren't things. And I don't grow "bored" of people, because they are not here to entertain us.
Mr Lakusu StoriesLike Page
February 13 at 5:40pm ·
I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.
We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.
I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.
We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.
This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.
Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.
I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.
She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.
Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.
We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!
I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.
New beginnings
Life was sweet!
Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.
But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!
We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.
I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.
Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.
Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.
I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.
If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.
She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.
I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!
Regret sets in
But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.
And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.
Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.
My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.
Too late
And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.
She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.
I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.
I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.
My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.
She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.
It should have been me.
Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.
Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?
Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love."
"HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman".
#Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu
I remember reading this when you posted it. It's disgusting how people toy with others.
01:39 Feb 16 2018 Times Read: 873
It's not just "this generation" sadly. They definitely don't have to be young to opt out the moment things require work. They come in all shapes and sizes, and ages.
Some just develop differently. Holding onto key things that matter or ruining what they have for a few seconds of fun. Maintaining love as a concept they romanticize, while dragging it through the muck with their actions. One foot always out the door indeed.
Lol. That makes so much sense now. Butted heads before, over childish behavior and the typical shit vr treatment of others. Man, how's it feel to get passed around like a community dildo? Hey, a cyber lay is a cyber lay, but wow, people really don't change at all. Even when they try to mask it.
You're damn right, i won't change either, and continue to congratulate my choice to not be a manipulative, people user. But buddy, hot damn that makes sense! Lol
Buddy may have noticed today that attempting to incite an altercation with me while my daughter was immediately beside me, was not the wisest of decisions. Unfortunately for him, too little, too late.
VR has always needed its own dictionary for evolving phrases and words that are constantly misused. Some yes, due to simple misinformation and genuine error, but my favorites are the ones ill used on purpose due to one's own personal definitions being applied, and then passed off as basic general knowledge. So I find myself comparing some phrases and words sourced from every day life, online life, i.e. gaming or social media. For kicks, urban dictionary, and finally VR.
Word: Friend
Usual definition, someone who spends time with you. You have some similar interests and likes your company and you theirs. They are there for you to help you if you are having a rough time.
Applied life definition, someone who enables your every whim.
Other side of that coin, someone who cares for you enough to not let you do things that hurt you in anyway, even if it pisses you off.
Fb definition, someone who shares your annoying "share this" posts and hits like on EVERY last thing you post. :: shakes my head::
Gamer definition: Every. Last. Motherfucker. You. Enjoyed. Gaming. With. lmfao.
Vr definition: 1. Someone you will back-stab at the precise time the benefits of said choice peak. You will badmouth them and hate them forever, down rate them and block them everywhere... except here.. on vr. You will hate them untll... two weeks pass. Then you're cool again. 2. Someone who accepts every facet of your personality, even the ones you fake. You can do no wrong in their eyes, and if anyone ever points out that you have done something wrong, they will defend you like the bliss filled angel that you so clearly are. Even if you cheated on your husband or lie consistently. 2. Also... person you are banging.
Word: Lover(s)
:: takes a deep breath:: Boy...Welp... lets do this.
Let us exclude the piece of shit unfaithful definitions for the sake of not breaking VR with this one...
Usual definition: The person you are ignition a romantic relationship with. Someone who is learning you as eagerly as you are learning them and they are, like you infatuated with your being, in a healthy way.
FB Definition: 1. The person you deactivate your account for(because you have no choice) and you will now until ever have a joint fb account. (even I've never been that pussy whipped, my lord that is unhealthy. lol) 2. The person you are getting married to, or so you tell everyone on fb that you are, even if that other person has no idea you've done this.
Gamer Definition: 1. Lul WUT!? 2. Also... your player two. Your healer. Your spotter when you are sniping. Your every reason you have died in a co-op game where you aren't supposed to be able to kill each other but they somehow find a way, and its always by accident, whilst they try to breathe from laughing so hard. 3. Unicorn.
VR Definition: 1. Every person of the opposite sex in your inbox, ever. Every person of the opposite sex you give positive honor to, ever. Every person of the opposite sex that gives you positive honor, ever. Anyone of the opposite sex that you are nice to, ever. 2. The person whose profile you hit, every minute, of every hour, of your signed in time on vr. ( Bruh, when your vr "what they are doing" says nothing but ONE profile... you're one ...) 3. Also... person(s) you are banging.
I'll add more when I'm not dead tired from work playing "spin the Rolodex" with my damn hours.
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